Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

Outside my windows are all rain drops... It had been raining heavily non stop since the past 2 weeks, and it'll last for another 1-2 months, zzz... I'm writing now with my instant noodle beside me. I'm not a big fan of instant mee, but since it's raining so nicely, lazy to go down to the mess.
It's the monsoon season now in Mangalore, and seafood will be scarce... Fruits now are scarce too, mango season is ending. Yum, miss the Alfonso mangoes here, but actually most of the high qualities ones are being exported (sold RM10 each in Msia), and the market and stalls here only sells second graded ones, the few i bought are invaded by worms, swt..
Outside my window is actually a mango tree, but it produces only cute small green mangoes to feed the birds, zzz..

Life is kinda boring now. Exam hang-over, but all my other neighbors already studying like hell since the first day after exam, swt!! The weather is super cooling and sky is always dark, make me being in a gloomy mood all the time.. Besides, since Caryn had went back Msia, my life is being reverted to single, which means super simple and super free and super boring..
The conclusion is: exam hangover + rain + cooling weather + boring = sleep, sleep, sleep (plus some gamings)..Super hard to wake up in the morning for classes and even postings now, aiks.. Super hard to sit down and study.
But from today onwards, i must start studying seriously already, since there's only half a year to my Final. Had also been committed to reading 5 chapters of Bible everyday, and hopefully i'll be consistent with all these.

Had just reformatted my comp (every half a year). Now, i changed the whole theme into Vista-like, from last time of Mac OSX Tiger..Now had been using my 'Mac' for half a year, it's time for another challenge. Plus since Mac Leopard is already releasing, makes my Tiger look outdated, hehe. Here's the link to the pic of my XP-Mac desktop:
Added whole lots of extra functions to make the whole package look nice, more Vista-like, and many cool features such as highly functioning dock, windows shadows, transparency, widgets, thumbnail of taskbar etc etc.. Here's a screenshot of my desktop.

What Hurt the Most?

Sometimes, i really don't understand.. I don't understand why God has to let out so much of sufferings.. Why God like to punish 'good' people? Why faith are always not replied by blessings? Why most of the times, our prayers just wouldn't be granted..

I dont know whether our God is really THAT good.. If He's really that good, why life cannot be a little bit more fluent and smooth? (i din ask for more, just little bit).Why people with lots of faith suffer but people without faith succeed? Why people who believes in he Lord in Heaven does not see or hear Him? Why those who believe in miracles never witness it? Why people who reject the Lord can still be successful? This leads to a doubt in me whether He wants us to glorify His name through our success? Why we have to be standing below ordinary non-believer? Why He wont want to perform at least some small miracles which can changes lives? Why He does not gives us a good testimony so that we can shout out His name to the world? Why He doesn't want great things happening so that people can see that He is truly the Lord of Heaven? Why He always cast doubts on people like me and Caryn and some others? We failed, but still press on, kept faith; failed again, press on, worked harder, kept more faith; failed again! have even more faith, work even harder, hopefully there'll be harvest in the end; but still, the ending is a bad one- it doesn't solve the problems now, but created a even much harder situation...How many times are we supposed to go through testings and problems? How much faith is actually enough?

Since young i have many many doubts on God.. At one time i doubted whether the Bible, or of what Christian so called the 'words of the God', is really true and totally applicable? Is there really not a single faults in it? Is it really that powerful? Besides, does reading Bible often makes your life better? Does praying more makes you feel better? Does going to church every week make you a better person? Does singing and praising Him makes you a happier person? I doubt all these... I think blessing is a gifts, a grace, not that you earn it or you work hard for it, but it just depends on whether God wants to give it or not.. Does a sinner will not be blessed? In fact in many cases, grace are pured on sinners more often...

I'd just finished reading 'The Alchemist'.. I was touched by many of the teachings in the book.. Though it's not a Christian book, but it makes a lot of spiritual sense.. For example, it says: The whole world is made by One hand, by spoken words (no doubt bout it); every single thing in this world is all linked together (true), and the most important thing that bind them all is a thing call Love (Yes); God tells a language that everyone in this world understands, but it all depends how carefully you listen and observe the omen..

Everyone is created with a destiny, it depends whether you wan to fulfill it or not - either way is not wrong: fulfilling your purpose makes you feel 'satisfied' and more complete, but without fulfilling it, life goes on as ever, just lack of something (so what?)..
"If you really have the heart and will to go after something, the whole universe will help you to do that" - i think it's rightly so when refer to God as well, because a loving God and omnipotent God just doesn't have 'one' way for you, but one of the biggest gift He gave to us human is 'choices'.. We have our own freewill to do whatever we like, and if it is pleasing in His eyes and does not disobey the Laws, i believe He will still bless us and help us..

Besides, does it mean other religion is wrong? I don't think so.. Just as what CS Lewis said: Every religion in this world, even the queerest ones, has its own very truth. It's just like arithmetic, there are many many ways of solving the problem, but there'll be only one final answer. All things are from One, and in the end it'll all return to One... Besides, does it mean being a Christian is better or 'cooler' than being a Buddist or Muslim or Hindu, No! I believe everything can leads to the very core truth, and maybe, Christianity is the closest among all.. But still, i hate religions, or even want to discuss bout it.. Religion is the worst enemy of this world- it provoked too much wars and complications, from the very beginning of the age till this very moment, every war that happened are actually, though indirectly, a Holy War.. That's why i always refer our christian believes as a "relationship", not a religion..

There's One God (or i should say triune Gods) who created this earth, then out of love created us- the human beings, and out of love, he guard over us and longs for a intimate relationship with us, which is why He sent His only begotten son Jesus Christ to die for us... And one day, He will come back again and destroy everything and make all things new again.. But in this difficult times, why He seem so distant? Why there's no miracles, no blessings?

Still, i don't understand a shit.. In this time of darkness, faith seems so faint, and it's so hard now to ever make another leap of faith... Why? Why?

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Had not been posting for a long time.. Was busy for exam, and besides, there's particular nothing significant (and at the same time, publishable) events happening to me.. So now, just to round off my semester with some thoughts...

I'd just finished my exam 3 days back... The past 3 weeks time were hard, especially for a person like me... Study and study days and nights but still couldn't finish the scope, if not can't remember well , if not mix up every classification of drugs or bacteria or pathogenesis, if not couldn't reproduce my thoughts systematically on the paper.. I'd tried hard to do much better this semester, but in the end, the results was quite bad as well, aiks...

The time table of this semester is more free, basically 5 hours less of study time in a week compared to last semester, GOOD!!! Can sleep less in the class and more on my bed.. One stupid thing i hate about is that there's no break AT ALL after our exam- the very next day itself was the starting school day of new sem, damn!! Almost half of my classmates bunked the classes and went back home or traveled some where else... So no mood to study now, and am just reading story book in the classes now..

I'm not going back to Malaysia, though most of my friends do.. But nevermind, because in 1 month time i'm flying off to GERMANY for 13 days!! (from 11th July till 24th July).. I'd always wanted to visits all my good old friends over there in this 5 years time when they're still there, and i think this is the best time to go, since i don't feel like going back.. Already bought the tickets and settled most of the transportations.. The schedule is like this -

Mangalore <-> Bangalore <-> Dubai <-> Frankfurt

Then, me and my friends over there will travel to SPAIN days!! Then might go FRANCE also!!
I'm already counting chickens for the days to come.. Already started dreaming of the Germany where the cruel dictating legend lived during war time, the land once filled with fear and blood but now pride and modernization... And also can't wait to see the beautiful and traditional Spain full of unique culture.. And not to forget for the few ours of my time at one of the richest country in the world-United Arab Emirates: the world one and only 6-Stars on-the-water hotel; the place where the richest people all over the world invest their money in; the palm-tree-shaped artificial lands with the most luxurious houses on it; the land with no trees but full of concrete buildings arranged like Lego blocks when seen from above..

On top of all the excitement now, i'm facing some problems right now.. First of all, I need a 'companion' through out my journey, and since i'm travelling all alone, what i need is a good gadget and a good book.. Me have no camera, no mp3 player, and only carrying a noob old hp in my pocket..In the beginning, I was thinking of getting an 30GB Ipod , for my unique collections of musics and some movies and pictures.. But now i'm attracted to Nokia N73 Music Edition.. The current Ipod can't satisfy me: too short of battery time, too small of screen, the resolution of the screen is too bad for watching movies, and it's still too big of size and weight.. I'm doin all kinds of research on N73 ME now, then at the same time discovered SE K810i.. Liking both of them and comparing.. Conclusion is: N73's pic is not as good as Sony's, but n73 gives 2GB free memory and have bigger screen; k810 look damn cool, has Xenon light which make night photos good, and N73 can't take night photos, slow in response and hangs a lot... So verdict is? I really don't know yet.. Will try out both phones at the shops to decide...If worst come worst, i'll buy back SE w810i, cz i still love it very much and i think it's still the most lovely and stable and durable phone...

Second problem, a bigger problem: money money money.. My air ticket to Germany is bout RM2500 to n fro, my local flight RM230.. My dream gadget cost bout RM1500, and my estimated spending in Spain will be about at least €600, n i will bring €700 just in case(RM3200)..
Now, my active bank account has only RM 2800, damn.. (most of my money is in FD, which i can't take out after few months time).. Daddy, i know it's bad to ask money from u, i never want to, but i have to, aiks.. I'd never thought traveling in Europe will be so expensive... i expected to spend ol RM 5000 in my trip, but now it cost bout RM 6000+, plus i really need a new gadget with me now, to keep me occupied for the long hours in flight and airports and trains etc...